I have always had trouble accepting God's love. It seems too good to be true. Although I would talk about grace and mercy, there was at least a part of me that thought I needed to prove myself to God. There were parts of my life that I feared even God would not love. This is all starting to change. And I had to cross the Atlantic Ocean to really start to believe something that I had been taught for years. Even today, God confirmed this truth via the message at my church fellowship this morning.
God knows me completely. He knows even the deepest, darkest areas of my life. He knows the thoughts that I wished that I had never had. He knows the actions that I have done in secret. He knows the times I have said one thing and done another. God knows all the times that I have done "good" things for bad reasons. God knows all of me even better than I know myself. Yet He loves every square inch of me. Completely naked before God (body, soul and spirit) I find out what it means that perfect love drives out all fear.
While in Northern Ireland, I had the opportunity to stay with Jon and Beverly Howe. In only a few days, they have become dear friends. I feel like I left part of me back in Ireland. I have been forever changed by staying in their home. And I hope to see them again soon.
Jon and I had some of the most though provoking conversations that I have had in a long time. One morning at breakfast, I said something about the parts of me that God doesn't like. I was talking about the "unredeemed" parts of my life. Later that night, Jon probed in a loving way. And I eventually said something about God not loving the sinful parts of my life. I thought that God hates sin. Thus, He must hate the sinful parts of me. As we talked, Jon challenged me to see that God can hate sin while loving all of me - even the sinful, old man.
Jon said that he sensed a lot of pain in me. He thought I was not letting God's love permeate all of my life. There were places where I was trying to be holy on my own. And it would never work. I would suffer under the weight of my own expectations. My refusal to accept God's love for even the parts of me that I hated was keeping my joy from being complete.
While I did not want to admit it, Jon was right. One night in Ireland, I prayed to God giving him the areas of my life that I had kept back. I accepted His righteousness and complete love. I felt a weight lift as I began to really believe that God's love is perfect.
For years, I had lived as a Pharisee. I knew the Word, and I had set strict limits to keep from sin and impurity. In the process, I had become a prisoner to legalism. This robbed me of joy and caused me to think that my purity depended on me. It created a wedge between me and other people, especially women. I knew what I was supposed to do. And I hated myself each time that I didn't live up to what I knew to be right. Today, I am starting to realize that God is not mad at me. I do not have to prove anything to Him. God loves me because He chooses to love. God loves me because He made me lovable.
Letting go and allowing God to be God has started a chain of events. I am starting to enjoy life more. I am starting to feel free fron legalism and rules established by religous people. I am discovering what true purity and holiness is as God creates it within me.
I went to Northern Ireland to spread the gospel and I ended up becoming the one to truly believe it.
