With a statement like that, did I get your attention? Well, it may not mean what you first thought it meant.
You don't really know how much fight you have in you until you are struggling to survive. You don't really know much you have trusted God until you feel like you have to defend yourself against unwarranted attack. You don't really know how big your God is until He asks you to let others kill you.
I have made the confessions and prayed the prayers about trusting God with my life countless times. I have yielded my anger, hurt, pain, and problems over to God more times than I care to remember. In the past, I have asked God to be my shield and defend me too. But right now, all I want to do is fight back. With every fiber of my being, I want to go on the offensive against those who have twisted my words and seem to be trying to undermine my livelihood.
It's times like these that I can relate with King David in the Bible who prayed for protection and God's wrath to overtake those attacking him. I can relate with David, a man who felt betrayed by the King that he had so loyally served. I look at the words Jesus spoke about loving our enemies and shake my head wondering, 'How can this be?' What Jesus asks seems impossible for a man to do.
What I have faced is nothing compared to the wrath and hatred of King Saul against David. I have not even begun to feel the effect of one nail driven into Jesus' hand. I am so far from the level of injustice that these men faced, but I find it hard to mirror their meekness.
I know that hate and anger do nothing for a man. It is truly best to trust God and leave vengeance to Him. But this is so hard to do. Why can't I just seem to die? Why can't I stop struggling to live and let God kill me? I'm not talking about a physical death. No, I am talking about the kind of death that Jesus described when He said that whoever would follow Him must deny himself and take up his cross. The only way to eternal life is death to self. This is a death to our own efforts to protect ourselves. This is a death to our human feelings and desires. Jesus calls us to lose ourselves in Him and to trust Him.
Stephen, the first Christian martyr, faced an angry mob with words of forgiveness. As men hurled rocks at his head, he had a vision of God. He prayed for the men who were trying to stone him. Stephen prayed, "Forgive these men, for they know not what they do." Stephen looked at these men with eyes of love. He realized that these men thought they were doing the right thing. While I believe the same thing about those attacking me, I have a hard time feeling as forgiving as Stephen did. Maybe Stephen responded as he did because he had already abandoned his life to the hands of God?
Why do I struggle to be like Stephen? I wish that I were dead, then maybe I could live in peace.
Oh Jesus, help me to trust You in the midst of my trial. May I not seek revenge on my own. Cause me to yield my rights to You. Oh God, defend me from the lies of others and protect me from the traps set by my enemies. May I live in You and die to myself. Take this anger from me. Fill me with Your love for those who attack me. May I respond in love and see them as You see me. Amen!
